Chapter 5: Life Splitting Moment


Mondays are my worst enemies. I hate, I hate, I hate Mondays until no tomorrow. Why? 8:30 am is when I have to teach stupid first-year students. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for having this steady job. It’s just that I have always hated teaching, yet somehow, every job or volunteer opportunity I used to get was all related to teaching. So when someone asks me if fate has everything planned out, I would wholeheartedly say yes. I mean, how else am I doing a job that I sincerely dislike and am stuck in a situation that I can’t even control? 
This is why every Monday I have to order an iced frap to keep me sane. Even during the cold winters, I am armed with this drink. I’m pretty sure whoever invented the iced frap understood how painful it was to wake up at 6:30 am to prepare to teach some rascals that don’t really care about my course at all. They’re only here because introductory Social Geography is supposed to be easy, and I keep it that way so there will be students wanting to enroll in our faculty’s classes. Geography is already not a very popular major, so being able to attract any student to our faculty would be wonderful. That’s why you have to hit the kids when they’re young and unsure of what to do with their lives. I mean, sure, almost 90% of these kids are here to take this an elective because of how the education system works in Asia. Your major is set already in first year. Then . . . argh, what am I even caring about, I suddenly realize. 

My marker right now slips off from the board and I make this huge squiggle. I forgot to mention that I’m actually teaching class right now, and I’m letting my mind roam free. Swiping what I did with an eraser, I casually act like nothing has happened. Then, I pick up the eraser and that’s when I hear a splitting sound. Holy crap. You have to be kidding me . . .

Quickly, I turn around and place my hand over my butt hole. Okay . . . I did split my dress pants. Fu.ck. Can this day get any worse? Now, this obnoxious kid in the front row is asking, “Ms. Nam? Are you going to finish writing notes? I’m worried that since we have 15 minutes left in class, you won’t be able to—“

“Sangwoo,” I interrupt him, “even if I don’t finish my notes, I will post what I have left online.” 

The only reason that I know his name is that he likes to visit my office hours. He likes to ask these questions that take forever to answer, and maybe some professors would adore his curiosity, but I’d rather not. His face just bugs me and his voice too. He has this really squeaky voice and a mouse-like face. I don’t know. He’s just darn annoying, and to prove my point, Sangwoo continues to argue, “But that is unfair for all of us coming here for lecture.”
Fu.ck you. That’s what I want to say to him. Unfair? Look, kiddo. I’m here bright and early to teach you annoying ba.stards, and you give me attitude? Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. If I were a gangster, I’d do that right here. Grab out my gun and shoot him three times at an alley. No more blabbing to me or asking for me for more marks on his assignment or exam. Bi.tch.

“I assure you.” I try my best to remain professional. “This will only be a one-time scenario. Now, class is dismissed. I suddenly received an important meeting that I have to attend. I apologize for this delay in notifying you.”

Immediately, tons of kids start cheering. Yeah, I wish I could do this every day too. Cut class by fifteen minutes or so. It’s only happening today because of this pants crisis. I mean, did I actually gain tons of pounds for some reason? And how? Who has been feeding me fat like they did to Regina George from Mean Girls? Who? Who is this culprit? And just how much have I been eating? How come none of the boys has warned me about this? W-w-wait . . . boys . . . I suddenly remember how I have gained a few more pounds. Lately, I have been eating late night snacks with the boys. Sometimes, Sehun and Eunhyuk will call me over because they want to drink some beer while eating some fried pork cutlets or beef tongue. Then, there’s Myungsoo who always buys too much cake and he invites me over to enjoy them. Only he and I absolutely adore desserts. He even has this secret diary he carries along that is filled with these thoughts about a particular dessert, and there’s even a section called “Leia’s Remarks”. I feel proud whenever he jots down my feelings. Plus, He’ll sketch the piece down, and even label the colours and the ingredients. So, pretty much, he has the biggest sweet tooth ever. If I bribe him with a slice of coffee cake, he would probably accept whatever I tell him to do. If you want his attention, then you need to bring him sweets. Lately, I have been trying to get him to fix my laptop, so I have been giving him more goodies than normal and I also join in the feast. Okay, so I guess that’s it. Oh wait. I forgot about Howon and Yeonjun. 

Howon’s girlfriend, Song Dahae, has recently gotten into baking, and because she makes so much and with tons of failures, Howon distributes her goods to us. I seem to be the only one that is eating her food for breakfast; all the other guys just downright refuse. I admit . . . her stuff is no good, but at least I don’t have to waste money to buy breakfast now. As for Yeonjun, he likes to invite me for lunch. He knows how much I like free meals and just how much I love to eat. He actually has a list of restaurants that he wants to try, and thankfully, he included me in his journey. It’s really more like I saw his list one day and forced him to take me to all the places. I pretty much shook him back and forth until he’d listen to me. So, it is kind of my fault that I have gained from him.
Realizing my crisis, I text Sehun: “SOS! Bring a set of dress pants for me! ASAP!”

Sehun is the only one that really understands women wear. Okay, maybe Yeonjun has some idea too, but Sehun is a genius when it comes to fashion. He’s probably the only one that can steal a set of pants from a celebrity’s wardrobe. Okay, I’m sure he doesn’t steal, but he probably gets some sort of discount. Anyhow, I’ll pay him back in this case.

“Okay. I’ll be right there. Office right?” Sehun texts back.

“Yes. Thank you. Thank you. See you,” I reply.

Now that I have the pants situation figured out. I just have to get back to my office somehow. I’ll just be weird and hold my briefcase to shield my bum. As long as no one catches me, I will be okay. I just have to speed walk to my office that is on the fourth floor. I will not even take the elevator to exercise more and to avoid any of my colleagues who might be jerks to me if they discover what has happened. Plus, I can’t let An Jessica know this. An Jessica happens to be in the Geography department as well, but she teaches Urban Development. She is really a classic bi.tch. Just because she went to some university in the States doesn’t mean that she’s some member of the royal family. She keeps showing off her 1 karat diamond ring to me and telling me how fabulous her boyfriend is. She says he gives her everything she wants and pampers her like a princess. I say that that guy is probably getting some good sex because with that awful personality of hers, I’d never shower her with gifts unless I got something out of her.

Just my luck because just as I’m thinking about her, she is using the stairs as well. What the fu.ck. “Oh,” she greets while panting lightly, “Leia, what a pleasant surprise.” There she goes with her fake smile. Yuck. Someone just push her off these stairs, all right?

“Yes,” I lie. “What a nice surprise, and I’m sorry to cut you short, but I’m in a hurry. I have to—“

“I’ve been meaning to tell you.” Jessica flips her hair and reveals another well-rehearsed grin. “That I’m having my wedding this Saturday. I was hoping you could come. I mean, if you don’t have a boyfriend now, it’d be a perfect time for you to—“

“I’m sorry, Jessica. I forgot to tell you that I’ve actually been seeing a guy for a few months now.” I snip her sentence in half just to smite her.

Jessica’s eyes instantly glow as she adds, “Oh! That’s perfect then! Bring him there!”

Bit.ch. Wanting me to prove that I really do have a boyfriend? Well, snap, snap. I’m ready, bit.ch. After a few years of tolerating you, I think it’s time you got a slap in the face and a wakeup call. I’m not that easy to trample over, and so, I state while imitating her hair flip but ending mine by twirling the end of my hair, “Of course! Of course, he’ll come to your wedding as well! I’ll even personally introduce you to him!”

“Great!” Jessica chirps before sprinting up the stairs. “See you two there then! I’ll forward you the details tonight!”

Ha! Watch that bi.tch run. Her ass reminds me of Jiggly Puff. Just wait, Jessica. You will regret inviting me to your wedding. I’m going to bring my . . .

Hang on. I have no boyfriend. What am I doing? I’m already in a tough situation, and now I’m complicating the situation even further. Nam Leia, you have got to stop lying! Do you even understand the severity of your circumstances? Let’s recap okay?

To Yeonjun’s family, I am his pregnant fiancée. I’m also supposed to get rid of his fiancée who he doesn’t give a damn about. So, I’m the third party in this relationship? Oh my god! I never meant to be anyone’s mistress! On top of that, I’m supposed to seduce Han Suho to help Yeonjun with his career. To do that, I must learn how to be a femme fatale. I must also wear low-cut shirts and reveal skin. Maybe, I’m thinking too much of Roger Rabbit’s vixen and film noir. Now, I need a boyfriend to accompany me to Jessica’s wedding? First of all, why are there so many weddings happening in the first place? Huh? What season is this? The season to breed? And people say the marriage rate is low. I must be part of some deviation from the trend. Assho.les.

I’ll show them all that a perfectly single girl can be just fine. No actually, I still need that male date for the wedding. I can’t let Jessica know that I lied. Now, who will be willing to be my sacrifice? Sehun? Ugh no. He’ll want to know about everything. Myungsoo doesn’t give a damn. Howon’s girlfriend would butcher me with an axe or poison the next batch of cupcakes, which I’m supposed to not eat anyways. Eunhyuk is too silly to even know how to behave at a wedding. So, there really only is Yeonjun. Technically, he is already my fiancé right? So, why not put him to good use? I should get him to buy me a diamond ring too along the way. In the end, I can even sell it off to profit. Oh gosh, Leia, you are so smart! He, he, he. That’s probably my signature evil laugh—final boss level.

Before I can even start texting Yeonjun to tell him of my plans, he texts me first.

“You’re going to be going to Suho’s best friend’s wedding this Saturday.”

I’m thinking . . . no way. There’s no way that his best friend is marrying Jessica. Ha. Still, I go off to confirm, “Who is his best friend marrying and where is this place?”

“W Hotel and it’s some girl called Jessica? An Jessica? She’s supposedly an assistant professor like you.”

“Fu.ck!” I text back. “You can’t be shi.tting me?”

“What? What?”

“Talk to you over lunch? I can’t do this over text.”

“Sure, but I only have around 20 minutes to spare.”

“That’s good enough. See you at the old place and same time.”

“Sure.”

By the time I reach my office, Sehun already has the front door open and is relaxing in my swiveling leather chair like a boss. He has his heads over his head, and his legs extended on my table. How rude. Oh well, I shrug my shoulders and think. I’ll let him role play for a bit. After all, he did come here with a set of pants. It’s not often that you get a friend come here as soon as possible for you, so I’m lucky enough that I’ll stop complaining.

“Thought I’d have some fun being the boss once in a while.” Sehun giggles like a little fan girl. “Anyways,” he hops off my seat and reaches downwards for a plastic bag, “think fast!” He tosses the item at me, and luckily, I have cat-like instincts when it comes to balls. I either dodge or catch. In this case, I react by catching this “ball” in time. 

“Thanks buddy,” I utter after checking to see if they are, indeed, what I’m looking for. 

“No problem. SOS means emergency for you, but . . .looking at you, you seem—“ I turn around to show him what has happened, and immediately he starts cracking up. “Holy smokes, Leia! How’d you even do that? That’s amazing!” he cheers ecstatically.

“Let’s not go there,” I mutter. “Anyways, I’ll treat you to dinner some time.”

“Nah, it’s all right.” Sehun waves his hand at me and cracks a gentle smirk. Then, he walks over to my side and pinches my cheek. “Hehe, I see you have gained a few pounds.”

“What?” I instinctively slam my palms on my cheeks. Am I that chubby already? “You serious?” I shout.

Sehun smiles again before adding, “We were all . . . a bit concerned with your binging, but then we really didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“Oh my god, Sehun!” I grab at his t-shirt and rock him back and forth. “You’re supposed to tell me these things!”

“W-w-w-well . . .”

“Ugh, never mind,” I release him and sulk. “I’ll figure this out somehow.”

“Just come work out with Eunhyuk, Yeonjun and me,” Sehun suggests.

“You . . . work out?” I blink at him a few times. I thought Sehun wouldn’t even walk a poodle.

“Well, yeah,” he states as if a matter of fact. “How else would I get abs?”

“Wait . . . you have abs?” 

My eye is almost twitching at this point. I thought Sehun was the scrawny type who only got abs because he was too skinny. I guess I’m really bad at male anatomy. Then again, I have never seen a male completely naked if you disregard all those statues I have seen in art galleries and museums. Those are different if you get what I mean. I’m sure the penis was made to look better on paper or on marble. Okay, let’s keep this PG-13, and I’ll stop there.

“Yeah . . .” 

Out of the blue, he lifts his shirt up, and by my nature, I yelp as if I have encountered a big, hairy spider dangling from the ceiling, “Ah!”

Because I have my eyes covered, I don’t notice that Sehun grabs my hands and places them on his abs. “You can touch them you know?” he says rather indifferently. “It’s not like I have some infectious disease, and most girls would be dying to touch these darlings.”

“Darlings?” I, at last, open my eyes and ask. I remove my hands from his body and wipe them clean on my lap. 

“Yeah, they’re my chocolate babies. You know, chocolate abs?” Oh my goodness. Can Sehun get even cheesier? Perhaps he’d win over some lady with that line, but to me, I just feel three lines dripping down from my forehead. Corny. Too, too corny. And I’m sure Sehun realizes what I’m thinking because he is super sensitive. After all, he warns, “You know if you’re not even attracted to abs, then maybe, you’re more interested in ladies? I mean, if that’s the case, then I can introduce you to some pretty—“

“I’m straight, okay?” I interrupt, wondering if Eunhyuk has been brainwashing Sehun with this sexuality issue that Eunhyuk seems to believe I possess. “I want to kiss guys and not girls,” I utter. 

“And yet you are afraid of abs?” Sehun eyes me.

“Well, they’re foreign.”

“You know what, Leia?” Sehun, all of a sudden, remarks.

“What?”

“I think all of us guys should start being shirtless around you. We should probably be naked too,” Sehun proposes almost too spontaneously.

“Wh-wh-what?”

“You still think guys have cooties, so obviously, we have to immunize you, sweetie,” Sehun explains.

“Yeah, but . . . it doesn’t mean that you turn our Saturday meetings to a strip club.”

“And you missed last time’s meeting and so did Yeonjun,” Sehun mopes. “You naughty people. Tsk tsk. Here I thought that friendship was so much more important than other matters. Heck, I could have had a date with a lovely model from Milan.”

“Yeah, sorry about that,” I apologize. “I think . . . I’ll have to miss this week’s too.”

“What?” Sehun shrieks like a girl who just had apple juice spilled over her latest dress. “You can’t do that to us? Did you get a boyfriend? Huh? Is it that hot date?”

“About that . . .”

“Wh-wh-what? Spill!”

“It’s rather complicated, Sehun, but this Saturday, I have this wedding I have to go to.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, sorry—“

“You know what? Just take us there then!”

“No!” I screech. “No!”

“What? Why not?” Sehun stares at me funnily. “I think it’s perfect. Your friend will get more gifts too. Seriously, let’s crash a wedding. I’ll invite the other guys over too.”

Here I go howling for my life as I head down this roller coaster of drama and hell. Just let my scream echo past the lakes, mountains, and oceans. I really . . . really . . . am feeling seasick. If this is how pregnant women feel, then it really sucks to have a kid inside of you. I want to throw up badly because I know just how screwed I am if all of these guys are involved. Can you imagine? Wedding Crashers with two more Owen Wilsons and one more Vince Vaughn? No! No! No! No!

These guys can’t go fool around with the bridesmaids nor can they watch me seduce a guy. No one, aside from Yeonjun, is supposed to know anything about my inner sex kitten that has not been awakened. Please, if there is a god out there, please . . . make me really, really sick. I want to be puking all over the floor and have a super high fever. I’m perfectly fine with getting diarrhea. I’d rather be sitting on a toilet and moaning my ass off than putting on an idiotic show in front of the guys and Jessica. Oh god. I completely forgot about that bit.ch. 

Okay, I can’t lose to her. She might have snagged some rich guy before me, but that doesn’t mean that my fake boyfriend will be worse than hers. I must succeed somehow. I need a tutor and fast. I need a crash course in attracting a man, and I know just the person to help me. I’m sure I can cram this like I’ve forced biology into my brain in two nights. I have almost a week to tap my internal enchantress. Let’s skip channeling Audrey Hepburn and go for Marilyn Monroe. Sounds good to me!
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